Getting Married Without Mum
The last (almost) 2 weeks have gone by in a flash and a little bit of a haze of wedding photos, stories and reliving all the wonderful and beautiful parts of the day.
It is my mums birthday today and thoughts of her have been whirling around my head. They have been climbing into my head for the last month and massively on the day, and then there was a stillness. I almost felt a bit numb if I’m honest. But today I feel full of images of my mum and can feel her presence strongly, completely. Perhaps I am still processing the missing piece of the best day of my life. I also think perhaps, that there was a slight sense of guilt buried deep down for I had just had the best day of my life despite her not being there.
As well as the overwhelm, exhilaration, euphoria and high emotion of the day there is and was a part within me that felt like it was vastly empty, the yearning and need for my mum there was deep within my chest. But having my father walk me down the aisle was incredibly moving, a moment I will always remember in detail, and cherish for all my days.
I was having dreams of my mum for a couple of months before. Each one ended with her waiting at the top of the aisle near the altar with the biggest smile on her face, and I saw that on the day, clear as anything.
So walking that walk was intense, but very beautiful. Seeing all our wonderful friends and family and finally, the man that I am married to, all in the same space (a dreamy forest woodland) took away the emptiness of her, momentarily. When my gorgeous husband read his vows to me, I looked into his eyes and listened to his words and thought of my mum. I thanked her for bringing me into this world, for teaching me as much as she could in our short time together and for all the insight and love she had given me which I believe is one the reasons I was standing there opposite this person, on that day.
As the emotions of sadness, happiness and utter joy came together that day, the lasting feeling was a sense of overwhelming gratitude. Gratitude that I could feel everything. Gratitude that all these people are part of my life, that my relationship with my father is so strong and forever flourishing, for new family, for old friends, for new friends, for dancing A LOT, for laughing until my cheeks hurt, for the love of my life, for feeling like I was floating in space, for big bear hugs, and for celebrating life. And for my mum, who may have not been sitting next to me but was sitting right in my heart, full of pride.